Fearful nightmares sometimes may turn you to the fairy tale you always dreamed to be.
I’ll speak today about heroes and villains. One of my favorite subjects. I’ll not make a theory review, but I’ll explain how these two parts made room inside of me, and turned me upside down over and over again, just like night and day run one after each other.
I often dreamed to be a hero. I wanted to show the world that good I see in everyone. I knew that no matter how hard it is a challenge there is always sun after the storm. Actually, the savior type of personality is what I experienced most part of my life. In the childhood was because of my pure loving nature to help people around me. But later, my logical mind needed a reason why I was doing it all. And it came in a form of a very noble vow I did when I was about 12, to revenge myself only by proving people that I am better than them.
And so it began a life full of epic and majestic moments of proving myself to and helping others.
I was the hero in most of their stories, and at times made me feel like a fairy.
But in the middle of the night, when I was just me and the fairy, I felt that I missed something. It was like a deep hole inside, like I was not complete. I learned how to live with that confusion of my being, tried to feed it with feelings, habits or knowledge. I guess, that as much as I tried, nothing was good enough.
I was missing my own story.
In the same time, in the other part of my inner world, I was fascinated and curious about villains in any form of humans or experiences, characters or dreams they appeared. It was kind of an attraction that I did not wanted to, but pulled me towards it like a magnet. I asked myself many times why I experience this attraction: is it just because I feel this impulse or need to save them all, is it because of my blind belief that they are good inside too or just because it is a magnetism towards something I lack?
There is no good without bad, no hero without villains and no day without night.
These pairs of two notions not only coexist, but their existence is alive and dependent one to another. And all of us contain both sides within ourselves.
By taking that vow, the only thing I did was to imprison the villain part of me, hide it and buried it so deep into my consciousness that was hard even for me to locate it. I did not want to see it or to accept it. I could hear it though sometimes, I knew is still there, especially when I was facing life challenges. And even then the only thing I did was to reject it and bury it deeper.
And in moments where I really needed protection, my amygdala brain was awaking the dormant villain, as it was my only and most powerful weapon to protect myself from any potential enemies. Its awakening felt like a red blood flood of my mind just because it has been there for too long. But it’s intention was just to make itself seen, heard and accepted, and eventually loved.
How to train your dragon
I set it free a while ago. Learning to live with it, and accept it was like a “how to train your dragon” movie of my life or like tango classes… At the beginning all was wrong and hard. We had fights, rejections and coming backs, differences, but were also allies against our common real or imaginary enemies and formed the best team in town. We even danced for real rhythms of shadow and light. The relationship improved over time, and now, we take wonderful tango steps together in the most complete symphony of my being.
And in the middle of my nights, when my mind is blood flooded by nightmares or potential enemies, charming villain is turning into my worst and fearful defender ever existed. It is there to offer me protection, and knows that now I see it, hear it and accept it; then, its biggest power is completed by my love, as in the end is still one part of the million “mes”.