There cannot be darkness without light, nor light in absence of darkness. Not on this Planet. There is no good without bad, no heroes without villains, no noise without silence, no acceptance without denial, nor love without hate. All pairs are different coins. Two sided.
We are educated and encouraged to become heroes. It’s what we learn from the stories told and shown since early childhood. People worship heroes. Kids dream to become Superman, Spiderman, Elsa or Anna, Pocahontas, Paw Patrol Heroes or Princes and Princesses. We all learn to dream and to wish that one day we can save humanity, someone or at least ourselves and our loved ones, and that this is the greater good, and ultimate mission. But being a hero requires always a high cost to pay. This is what we are not taught. When we are at that crossroad, many of us estimate the price and chose not to pay it. We then fall on the other side, in the arms of our shadows. Simply believing in heroes implies the existence of villains, and often, there is nothing else in between.
My story today is about the encounter of my shadow and light. I grew as adolescent, being very authentic. A bit arrogant and narcissistic I guess, but I knew precisely what I wanted, and I knew how much I deserve to have all that I want. I was living in my own kind of dream, not paying too much attention to the people around me. It was me in the center of my world, and everyone else gravitating around. That was my dark veil. My view of life was simple: “if I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. And if someone has a problem with that… it makes that solely their problem. The ones to whom I am important, will accept me as I am and if they don’t, is their loss.” (these notes I found in my diary and are 20+ years old)
I woke up from my numbness one day. I saw suffering in the eyes of my loved ones, I saw how wounded they felt by my words and my actions. I felt myself that hurt. At that crossroad, I decided to make a turn and change. I decided to become a hero. I buried the dark inside me, sealed it with vows, oaths and promises, and began to change.
For almost a decade, I built new values, behaviors and beliefs, forgetting, abandoning and losing myself in others, believing and doing only good, growing love and light that went far beyond myself. I had the privilege to know how strong my love can be, how healing and kind there was this side of me. I became eventually my own hero. A light walker. Yet, I was not feeling whole.
I wondered many times what is missing, why I feel that inadequate and found million reasons for it: blame, shame, actions, thoughts. I thought is me, and grew and re-directed the light and love to myself in an attempt to see the happiness with the eyes of my soul. I was almost invincible, or so I thought.
But the completeness came when I remembered my shadow face and uncovered the long forgotten darkness veil.
Facing it, looking in those wolfish proud eyes, took us both – the mirror and the real – to an uncreated beginning. My shade is the most beautiful being.
We held each other dancing our perfect dance, with impeccable steps that followed unsung notes of silence and stillness, in a sky lookalike universe surrounded by stars and lightened by a silver moonlight.
It was just two of us: my light and my darkness, two perfect matching shadows drifting on the wings of the most graceful dream, two feathers blown and caressed by the gentlest wind.
I understood I am both black and white, shadow and light and only being them both and dancing that endless, timeless dance, I could become whole. There is no other path. The light that springs from darkness, is brighter and stronger because it knows its roots, its powers and its failings.
Denying that part was emptying me of energy, of soul, of life. As much as I grew the light, as forceful it became the dark trying to be seen and heard. But on that dance floor, when I acknowledged I know that face, those eyes, that beauty… and recognized it is entirely mine, I felt what power really means. I felt how is to really love and how that burns with the warmth of sun. I felt how is to have the power to calm it all instantly with the coldness and stillness of the night. I felt how is to fight with the force of a tsunami, and immediately bring peace with a rainbow of hope, planting the seeds of rebirth. The real power is to have all of these inside of me every moment, and to know that.
The gifts of my blackness are completeness and impeccability!
Have a good week!