Don’t give up!

I remember the days when my health was not at its best. I was just investigated, and later on diagnosed with a chronic disease. My body was in pain, my mind was tired and sleepy, the incoherent thoughts from different galaxies and dreams barely made any sense to me. The energy around me was of fear, the deepest fear of death… Or… I don’t know… Perhaps I was afraid that I do not have enough strength to fight and I would just give up.

Sick thoughts made any small pain bigger. I imagined incurable diseases overtaking me, and all of them had as final the death. The shadows took me to the darkest realms inside my sick thoughts flooded mind. And I was so afraid of what might happen. I was afraid for the people I care about, I was afraid for me not to suffer more… but I realized that none of my suffering would matter to me, in comparison to that pain and despaired helplessness I saw in the eyes of the people I love.

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It was the hero in me who saw that, who wanted to save and spare my beloved ones from my own suffering. It was constantly telling me: don’t give up, you cannot give up, you are still too busy to give up 😔! I was living a huge fear myself and saw and felt it around me every day. This is how it feeded and grew….every day, through their look, through their words, through their desperate silent screams for my own salvation.

One day, few years back, I met a lady. Her name, I do not recall. She was living for 9 years with a severe tumor on the brain. She was speaking in front of a group and she was saying that for her, the disease was a way to stop what she was doing, reconsider her own priorities and it made her understand and learn how to live with that tumor. Together. Her and the affection.

Her words trigerred something very powerful inside of me. I found hope then, again. That lady, in a condition far worst than mine, with her life really threatened by that affection, found her way to LIVE with the disease. So yes, that goal, to live, that was the key!

All my inner matrix code lines have been re-written in that moment. Instead of me focusing on my small pains, on my affection, that is not even life threatening if is correctly treated, instead of overthinking about potential reactions of others, I chose to focus on how can I understand what the illness tells me, what is my own lesson out of it. And I got some ideas. I know how to listen to my body, I know how I should be brave to face the pain and not ignore it or just imagine worst case scenarios, I know to honor and say thank you for the lessons, and I know that the secret is to accept it instead of fight it. And my test results show good improvement.

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Since that day, for me, “don’t give up” message has a new and different meaning. I won’t give up first and foremost on myself, and I won’t give up to seek and speak the truth my body and soul want me to know and honor. No matter how hard that is. I am my hero now. A hero who just witness my story and encourages me to explore the depths of my being, insanely believing that there is always hope!

Don’t give up! You are everything good!

Stay safe.

M.

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