Out of the sun

In my personal development endeavor, I had to face lots of shadows. And I had to! There was no alternative to ignore them. For a long time they reminded me of an unwanted part of myself, a face I judged and disliked. I used to say about my shadows, that I am afraid “of what I might be capable of”. And the sense of that sentence, I perceived it as negative, yet the fear was there especially when I referred to my abilities and capabilities and when thinking about success.

I kept all my imperfections out of the sun and they became shadows

I denied my shadows since I was born. Even though, we kind of came together on this realm.

They tried to show themselves many times, but I chose blindness. They tried to help me understand them by bringing people in my life to mirror them for me. And I felt hurt.I stroked back hurting them and kept denying their presence. Their existence made me bleed and cry oceans of tears, they made me crawl in pain, abandon myself and deny all that I was. They triggered in me the wish to become another so I can forget the torment, and myself. All of this kept the darkness alive in that hole of my soul and it was always empty. That vacuum was their home inside of me. Nothing else fitted it.

Failing to fill in the gaps

When I tried to fill it with positivism, I was devastated by a grief of denying myself. A hole full of positivism to mask the wounds, was like a cloud over the desert. The desert did not changed to a fertile soil. It remained as barren as it was. The cloud just brought some hope for rain and hided the sand from the burning sun for a little while.

“My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself.”

Anonymous

When I tried to fill it with love for other people, it felt like lightning a candle in a windy dark moon night. It sparkled, blinked but was hard to keep it lightning and not come back in darkness.

When I tried to deny it, it was even worse. I became nobody. I forgot who I am. I even did not understand why I am here at all. A feeling of nothing surrounded my heart, my everything. I deepened in nothingness with every thought I had, with every word I spell, or with every action I took. Everything of me was becoming more nobody encircled by nothing.

Surrender and acceptance are the keys

Tired of all resistance, I surrendered one day. I acknowledged there is a hole and something missing. I knew there might be something else to fit in. It was just hiding from me. This alone, opened a door to the magical realm where fairies both colored and dark welcomed me and reminded me of my past, my duties and my future. They wished and blessed me and my fortune to come. That benediction helped me learn how to let the sun in, and the dark out as I needed it. And that changed the story I was telling to myself and others.

I am who I am and I feel whole and enough. Even if one day is sunny, one day is cloudy and another day dark, I know now it is alright. And I also know that it will pass. Inside of me there is no hole adumbrating my being, and no part of me that tries to fill it.

And you, what do you choose to keep out of the sun?

Stay safe and enjoy!

M.

Photo by Jon Eric Marababol on Unsplash

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