It’s dark in my heart now again. There is no one around. Silence and blackness reign over my emptied soul realm.
Yet, I am not afraid anymore. I know I am still home.
This weird feeling of safety creates an energy ball around me. And I remember. I have been here so many times before. My eyes don’t need to see to know what is landing ahead of me, my ears don’t need to hear to perceive the sounds of the silence that nourishes and feeds all the pains still living inside of me, my skin doesn’t need to touch so it can feel the coldness and emptiness of the surroundings or the almost deadly burns of my scars, my nose doesn’t need to smell the rivers of gloom flowing around bringing ghosts from past lives to haunt me, and my lips don’t need to taste to feel the bitterness of the life down here. I know it all so well…
Every cell of me remembers all it was, all there is and all that will ever be.
It remembers you. It remembers how your presence disturbed me in unimaginable ways. How it challenged my comfort, my existence, my meaning in life, everything I had and everything I desired.
I know this place. I am in the dungeon of remembering the dreams we dreamed together and never got to live, in the prison of desires we desired and never got to consume, in the fortress of hopes we hoped and abandoned to make room for our egos to rise and shine.
I am searching for you. I am looking back and around blinded, depthed, senselessed in the attempt to recall who I was when we met in the dream from that other life.
I am searching for me, hoping to find the lost spell book to help me cast a memory spell that’ll remind myself of who I used to be around you.
I lost that part of me then, and I searched it but could not find it since. And even though I know every corner, every spider web, and every dusted hidden passage of this dark place, that part isn’t here to be found.
Maybe you took it with you in the other realm where I was the reign and you were my king, there where we used to rule the world together?
If it is so, please return it to me. I know you can. I know she wants to come back home. Let her go! Let her come back to me to help me reclaim back my Earth and to rule my new world. I know it burns you just as much as I feel the weight of its empty place.
Let her be free and let her free me up from this dungeon where I vividly live over and over again every limitation, every helplessness, every broken dream, every failure and every pain I ever lived in this life and in others.
Let me be free of me, of her and of you, Darkness! You owe me that!
I’ll be rouse this time. I’ll be one that rules with kindness and power, the one that can control every Earth element and show the humankind how to live better and how to be more loving to each other. I’ll be the one who embraces her force from her ancestors and history and who’s taken care of by the angels and light beings. I’ll be one daring and shy, vulnerable and careless, loving and burning hate back to hellfire, a watcher, a fearless woman who no longer needs to be saved, nor wants to be anyone’s hero, a woman, a queen, that can never again be broken down in million pieces, because she forged herself back together not just once but many times. And every time, she gathered carefully all the million broken glasses and stitched them piece by piece with the light of pure love and the burning fire of hell turning her heart into an unbreakable everlasting wonder, a wellspring of pure love .
I’ll be all that I was, all that I am and all that I will ever become.
Let me be that! Just that.
This poem was written by Mihaela Stancu and has all rights reserved.
(© Mihaela Stancu, published August 2020)