Have you ever asked yourself why you get sick sometimes?
I use to have a relationship with illness. I grew up knowing and seeing the pain and suffering all around me. As a kid, I always wanted to help the ones suffering, make them feel better, take away their pain, and offer them well-deserved relief.
But many times, despite my intense efforts and good intentions, there was no change triggered in the other persons. It drove me mad. I was angry at me, at gods. I considered it a punishment of the deities, a proof of helplessness from my end. I was hurt, angry, and many times, I directed that anger towards myself. It had to be something I did wrong that prevented my loved ones from healing.
Later in life, when I had to deal with some of my health issues, I understood more profound health means. I know now is a scream of the body when we keep ignoring the body. It works similarly to an inner alarm system that points us something is wrong.
But dealing with sickness took me to different universes. In the first place, it popped up denial: this cannot happen to me. The anger towards gods pooled out of me rivers of tears, taking me to the first level of victimization. I was the perfect victim of gods and circumstances, of events and situations, and cried for myself with every occasion. Nothing was changing. And I got tired every day. It urged me to make a choice.
From the victim seat, I moved to the acceptance stage. I had a leading role in this play. I was the hero – my hero. I started to search and research alternatives, solutions to help me bring back my equilibrium.
I started small, from basic needs and connecting with my body. I understood the nutrients I need to increase my energy level and worked hard to ease up the inflow of thoughts. Then the sleep quantity was one of the biggest shifts I chose to make. I journeyed in my past, remembering who I was and who I got to be in the pursuit of understanding how I am today and where my happiness lies.
The process of remembering, often painful but well-explored, gave me the answers I need. I went back there in the moments that hurt badly, asking myself:
- What was I feeling?
- Why was I feeling like that?
- What needs did I had and were not answered?
- From whom did I expect to have those needs fulfilled?
- Was that person the right one, or who else could I have asked for it?
- What beliefs did I take from those moments?
- What choices did I make?
- On what criteria?
- How did they change me?
- What did I learn out of them
It was mostly about my emotions and how I dealt with them. I made tough choices for myself. I chose to tear myself apart for the greater good of others or an imagined redemption, to bring the good back to the world. I decided to remain quiet, voiceless when I needed the most to talk about my pain; I chose to hide from the world, which kept a part of me in that past. I preferred to withdraw to my inner world and vanish the trace of my life, hoping the pain will go away like this. But it did not. It petrified and overthrew everything inside of me to let me know it is still there.
But the self explorations, along of course, with external help from doctors, coaches, trainers, friends, and family, helped me to become mindful, quieted my mind not to rethink over again the same lines of events. I found my voice, truthful and crystalline, now more than it ever was. I acknowledge I was brave to let myself hear my inner truth. The secret was that I knew no one else was hearing it – so I was safe to admit to myself all of it. And my other mystery was that I knew all along that even if I go back there, nothing can happen to me; it cannot be worse than initially. Knowing it all, I was brave enough to open dark places inside of me and danced with my shadows. And I cried safely, hundreds of thousands of tears washing away the hurt, the grief, and having only me as a guide. When writing, while painting, or drawing mandalas, I walked my past. When reflecting on a movie, while walking, or contemplating nature, I also reached my history. With every journey, I brought myself back home – or at least parts of me. With every lesson I learned, I became more powerful, aware of who I am and what I can do.
I look back now, and I know I made great choices for life.
What were your greatest choice for life?
What about your secret?
P.S. Stay tuned as something great is coming on this note.
P.S1. These things I share through my blog posts outline what worked for me and describe my own experience solely. They are not pieces of advice nor guidelines, and in any case, you should not stop your treatment if you follow any. If you have serious health issues, please address them to your doctor.