How to train your dragon

Fearful nightmares sometimes may turn you into the fairy tale you always dreamed of being.

I’ll speak today about heroes and villains—one of my favorite subjects. I’ll not do a theory review, but I’ll explain how these two parts made room inside of me and turned me upside down repeatedly, just like night and day run one after another.

I often dreamed of being a hero. I wanted to show the world the good I see in everyone. But, I knew that no matter how complex a challenge was, there was always sun after the storm. The savior type of personality is what I have experienced most of my life. In childhood was because of my pure loving nature to help people around me. But later, my logical mind needed a reason why I was doing it all. And it came in the form of a noble vow I made when I was about 12, to revenge myself only by proving to people that I am better than them.

And so it began a life full of epic and majestic moments of proving myself to and helping others.

I was the hero in most of their stories, and at times made me feel like a fairy.

But in the middle of the night, when it was just me and the fairy, I felt I had missed something. It was like a deep hole inside, like I was not complete. So, I learned how to live with that confusion of my being and tried to feed it with feelings, habits, or knowledge. But, I guess that as much as I tried, nothing was good enough.

I was missing my own story.

At the same time, in the other part of my inner world, I was fascinated and curious about villains in any form of humans or experiences, characters, or dreams they appeared. It was an attraction that I did not want to, but it pulled me towards it like a magnet. I often ask myself why I experience this attraction: is it just because I feel this impulse or need to save them all, is it because of my blind belief that they are good inside too, or just because it is a magnetism towards something I lack?

There is no good without evil, no hero without villains, and no day without night.

These pairs of two notions not only coexist, but their existence is alive and dependent on one another. And all of us contain both sides within ourselves.

By taking that vow, the only thing I did was imprison the villain part of me, hide it, and bury it so deep into my consciousness that it was hard even to locate it. I did not want to see it or accept it. Then, finally, I could hear it though sometimes, I knew it was still there, especially when facing life challenges. And even then, the only thing I did was to reject it and bury it more profoundly.

And in moments where I needed protection, my amygdala brain was awakening the dormant villain, as it was my only and most powerful weapon to protect myself from potential enemies. Its awakening felt like red blood flood of my mind just because it has been there for too long. But its intention was to make itself seen, heard, accepted, and eventually loved.

How to train your dragon

I set it free a while ago. Learning to live with it and accept it was like a „how to train your dragon” movie of my life or tango classes… In the beginning, all was wrong and hard. We had fights, rejections, coming backs, and differences, but we were allies against our common real or imaginary enemies and formed the best team in town. We even danced to natural rhythms of shadow and light. The relationship improved over time, and now, we take lovely tango steps together in the complete symphony of my being.

And in the middle of my nights, when my mind is blood flooded by nightmares or potential enemies, the charming villain is turning into my worst, and most fearful defender ever existed. It is there to offer me protection, and knows that now I see it, hears it, and accept it; then, its most enormous power is completed by my love, as in the end is still one part of the million „mes.”

Enjoy!

M.