The story today is about choices and intention. I am working to increase my awareness and conscious living. Inevitably I started to pay more attention to what is really happening within and around myself.
The quarantine period promises one good thing. To allow and facilitate more frequent and qualitative connection to self. It can be the most enjoyable experience of true bond between mind, body and spirit, but can also become scary for ones not used to go there very often, or for the ones who avoid it preferring to keep themselves busy.
Self immersion in my own past
I got to look in the darkest corners of my soul and mind, full of dust and spiderweb. I got to recognize, in moments of terrible honesty to myself that some parts of me are still wounded and bleeding, still full of hate and anger, insurgence and denial, non-acceptance and repudiation Admitting it, is a gesture of bravery. Cleaning those corners is damn frightening and painful, but so deep is the relief after. While curiously searching through these ancient artifacts of my being, I entered deep enough to uncover and awaken dormant monsters and their terrifying stories, and learn to train them.
Did I liked all I saw? No.
In that creepy silence, all I could think was how to run away faster. I was selling to myself strategies for distraction with very solid reasons why I should stop, my body was trying to make me run by activating different physical needs like thirst or hunger. But I started from the very beginning with the intention to stay to see what I find. And I remained.
I roamed through my memories and I faced me’s that appeared just as ghosts do, as mist in the dark and I just froze and stared. My thoughts were immobilized by a very powerful force. My eyes memorized every single detail, yet could not see those back then, or did not wanted to accept that.
I doubted myself many times during the process, more than I ever did in my life before. Because facing own shadows is not something I do every day. But is so relieving and so empowering.
I felt some times that I don’t know who I am anymore. These parts of me were forcefully appearing in different forms and shapes, from books to movies characters I either liked or hated, that scared me, or showed me how I used to be, how I want to be, or not to be. The messages received while meditating were guiding me; the choices and decisions I got to do these days, that I haven’t thought of so far, or postponed them for ages are reshaping my path, the messages I receive or read are meant to help me decide which way to go, and the people I talk to and topics we discuss are just what I need…
“I am not what happened to me, but what I choose to become”
The truth is they were always there. I just never noticed before how many answers are coming my way. When I asked myself repeatedly where am I going to, the message I got in a reading was from Jung: “I am not what happened to me, but what I choose to become“. And what I do constantly that’s me, and I choose to become me with every big decision I take and also with every single small choice. I shape myself in every moment. The intention and vision are the two things that matter most.
For me, it was silence, and I listened. I found what I was looking for. I let myself washed by all I have ever been, forgiving , accepting that what I learned in all my experiences, all my memories, my choices and beliefs, got me here. But standing that patched, wearing those scars with pride and beauty, being that truthful to myself, I uncovered a treasure, a wellspring of power and kindness.
I now know to put the right energy to my intentions. How I make use of the power that springs from within will write my story. And I intent, that if anyone will ever write a story about me, to be a good one, in which whatever I did, I made it matter!
What would you find if you connect to your past?