It’s dark in my heart now again. There is no one around—silence and blackness reign over my emptied soul realm.

Yet, I am not afraid anymore. I know I am still home.

This weird feeling of safety creates an energy ball around me. And I remember. I have been here so many times before. My eyes don’t need to see, so I know what awaits me. My ears don’t need to hear so that I can witness the secrecy sounds that nourish and feed all the pain inside me. My skin doesn’t need to touch, so I feel the cold and empty surroundings or my scars’ almost deadly burns.

My nose doesn’t need to smell the rivers of gloom flowing around, summoning ghosts from past lives to haunt me, and my lips don’t need to taste the bitterness of the life down here. I know it all so well.

Every cell of me remembers all it was, all there is, and all that will ever be.

It remembers you. It recalls how your presence disturbed me in unimaginable ways. It recognizes that it challenged my comfort, existence, meaning in life, and everything I had and desired.

I know this place. I am in the dungeon of remembering the dreams we dreamed together and never got to live, in the prison of desires we desired and never consumed, in the fortress of hopes we hoped and abandoned to make room for our egos to rise and shine.

I am searching for you. I am looking back and around, blinded, deafened, senseless in the attempt to reconvene who I was when we met in the dream from that other life.

I am searching for myself, hoping to find the lost spellbook to help me cast a memory spell, reminding me of who I used to be around you.

I lost that part of me then, and I searched for it but have not found it since. Even though I know every corner, every spider web, and every dusted hidden passage of this dark place, that part isn’t here anymore.

Maybe you took it with you in the other realm where I was the reign, and you were my king? Where did we use to rule our world together?

If it is so, please return it to me. I know you can. I know she wants to come back home. Let her go! Let her come back to me to help me reclaim my Earth and rule my new world. I know it burns you just as much as I feel the weight of its hollow place.

Let her be free and free me up from this dungeon where I vividly live over and over again every limitation, every helplessness, every broken dream, every failure, and every pain I ever lived in this life and others.

Let me be free of me, her, and you, Darkness! You owe me that!

I’ll be rousing this time. I’ll rule with kindness and power. I’ll persevere with the Earth’s elements and show humankind how to live better and be more loving. I’ll be the one who embraces her force from the ancestors and history and who’s taken care of by the angels and light beings. I’ll be one daring and shy, vulnerable and careless, loving and burning hate back to hellfire; I’ll be a watcher, a fearless woman who no longer needs salvation nor wants to be anyone’s hero.

I’ll be a queen that can never again be broken down into a million pieces because she forged herself back together not once but many times. And every time, she gathered all the million broken glasses carefully. She stitched them piece by piece with the light of pure love and the burning fire of hell, turning her heart into an unbreakable everlasting wonder, a wellspring of pure love.

I’ll be all I was, all that I am, and all I will ever become.

Let me be that! Just that.

Stay safe!


Photo by Ahmad Odeh on Unsplash

Mihaela Stancu wrote this poem and has all rights reserved.

(© Mihaela Stancu, published August 2020)