In my development endeavor, I had to face lots of shadows. And I had to! There was no alternative but to ignore them. For a long time, they reminded me of an unwanted part of myself, a face I judged and disliked. I used to say about my shadows that I am afraid „of what I might be capable of.” In the sense of that sentence, I perceived it as unfavorable, yet the fear was there mainly when I referred to my abilities and capabilities and when thinking about success.
I kept all my imperfections out of the sun, and they became shadows
I denied my shades since I was born. Even though we came together in this realm.
They tried to show themselves many times, but I chose blindness. They wanted to help me understand them by bringing people into my life to mirror them. And I felt hurt. I stroked back, pulling them, and kept denying their presence. Their existence made me bleed and cry oceans of tears; they made me crawl in pain, abandon myself, and reject all I was. They made me wish to become another so I could forget the torment and myself. All of this kept the darkness alive in that hole of my soul, always empty. That vacuum was their home inside of me. Nothing else fitted it.
Failing to fill in the gaps
When I tried to fill it with positivism, I was devastated by the grief of denying myself. A hole full of positivism to mask the wounds was like a cloud over the desert. The desert did not change to the fertile soil. It remained as barren as it was. The cloud just brought some hope for rain and hid the sand from the burning sun for a little while.
„My biggest fear is that eventually, you will see me the way I see myself.”
When I tried to fill it with love for other people, it felt like lightning, a candle in a windy dark moon night. It sparkled and blinked, but keeping its lightning and not coming back into darkness was hard.
When I tried to deny it, it was even worse. I became nobody. I forgot who I am. I even did not understand why I was here at all. A feeling of nothing surrounded my heart, my everything. I deepened in nothingness with every thought, word I spelled, or action I took. Everything of me was becoming more of a nobody encircled by nothing.
Surrender and acceptance are the keys
Tired of all resistance, I surrendered one day. I acknowledged a hole, and something was missing. I knew there might be something else to fit in. It was just hiding from me. This alone opened the door to the magical realm where fairies, both colored and dark, welcomed me and reminded me of my past, my duties, and my future. They wished and blessed me and my fortune to come. That benediction helped me learn how to let the sun in and the dark out as needed. And that changed the story I was telling to myself and others.
I am who I am, and I feel whole and enough. Even if one day is sunny, one day is cloudy, and another dark, I know now it is alright. And I also know that it will pass. Inside of me, there is no hole adumbrating my being and no part of me that tries to fill it.
And you, what do you choose to keep in your dark corners?
Stay safe and enjoy!