I used to be a master of lies. It was my ideal form of disguise, my runaway from the things that hurt me. When events, people, or situations provoked my feelings, I thought that showcasing my emotions weakens me, giving them the power, an artifact in this game called life.
I wanted to be hard to read. I wanted to wear my poker face. While practicing it, I began to hide from others. Soon enough, I began to hide from myself. I buried hurtful feelings deep enough, so I never find them again. But somehow, I always stepped into them. And, God knows how much I hated uncovering that pain …
One day, I felt brave and chose to face the hidden monsters. I was getting drained of repressing and rejecting them. It hurt so bad; I thought my body would never recover. It felt empty and hard upon my chest, muddy in my mind, a mind full of restless thoughts causing heavyweights to force my shoulders to go down and drawn in an egoless silence for purification. I sensed that I could not cope with that pain. So I buried the courage there too.
It was then when I succeeded in mastering the lies. I became particularly good at the ones I was telling myself in the attempt to justify my actions or non-actions. I concealed all the feelings, so I do not have to endure that ache anymore. I lied to myself even in my sleep, in my own dreams about what I felt.
Yet, I was looking for something I could not name precisely. This endless “hide and seek” game made me an arid being. I invariably had logical reasoning about how I should feel, and when, and why.
Deep inside, there was a part of my soul so ingenuine – made only of feelings and sensations. They were considerably lowered in intensity by my denial. Sentiments were now frozen. I, myself, became a cold body driven by an utterly logical mind that could turn anything into an algorithm, a scheme, or a flow.
That tiny part was screaming now and then and struggled to escape many times, but its frozen yell dissipated fast in the air. And there was no ear to hear it. Soon, inside and out, everything was still and icing again. From the once a full of emotions being I was, there was only a warm heart still beating and dreaming about the magic.
One unusual cry one day, so loud, so fierce, broke the ice. Rivers of tears started to flood my being and magically touched my passionate heart. There was no way to hold that teardrop. I struggled to stop, but it would have broken my heart if I would continue to resist. So I surrendered to vulnerability.
Winds of hope caressed and dried the hot sparkles slipping on the face. Oceans of night sprinkled stardust over my eyes and helped me see the lies. I cried my pains until the tears washed them away from the soul. This is how I knew that the entire universe parted with me the mourning till it faded. The rainbow of emotions once shined upon me raised finally. Then the heart listened and was heard.
Truth or lie?
The most challenging choice…
I eventually chose the first one. The era of naked truth began.
I saw enough how the lies were freezing my life and almost turned me slowly into an icy statue: senseless, thoughtless, still. So, no more lies to myself or others!
The hope bloomed in my heart, and that truth liberated me. I was blessed to learn my being’s wilderness and face the woman reigning it.
I became emotion, sound, wave, energy in my own body. Flux…
The vulnerability immersed me in a sea of vitality and grace. I woke up in truth, and it became my shield, my power, and my faith.
Hmm… what are you lying to yourself about?
You can now be honest with yourself for some seconds. Your secret is safe. No one else except for you will hear it.