I realize these days, when my home is my whole world, that I made a hell of a journey until today. I love my house, my job, and my family, and my husband, and I love to spend this time in our small universe. I care for everything I do and do it all with care, love, and passion. But I know that this period might not be the same for some people.
Today, my story is about some thoughts I had to unthink to get here and some things I had to undo because they did not fit who I am.
I lived my childhood and adolescence in a „happy” numbness… Then, when I started to wake up, I didn’t remember the path. I don’t know it still. I know that I woke up one day from my imaginary world full of fairies and princes, like from a dreamless heavy sleep, wobblier than ever, confused and afraid. I did not know where to go or what to do.
I tried to ask myself why, but the „why” question was too heavy to ask or to answer. I know that everything that happened was for a purpose or is just a part of me that believes it is easier to endure and live. Sometimes I think the aim is the path itself, in its attempt to teach me life lessons. I looked back often, blaming my choices: waiting instead of acting, running, and hiding instead of fighting. And perhaps because of those, one day, this path or the purpose just put on my road the most significant and ugliest monster. And I had no choice. I could fight and defeat it or give up and lose everything.
One of the first discoveries in finding myself was that: to progress, I have to unthink, undo, and unbelieve my limitations. So there is where I started.
My most limiting belief was that „life is a fight.” Though I often use it as a metaphor in my stories, I used to believe it and live it daily. I might still do in some aspects of my life.
Life with this belief was a war zone. Everywhere I walked, there was a battlefield, mined land; if it was not, I created one. I spent my nights portraying potential adversaries, developing strategies and tactics, budding plans, and identifying resources. I was always on an alert but prepared. That was draining me out. Less sleep on top; is the perfect solution to stress and anxiety. And if that was not enough, if I did not have an external fight, I channeled my effort to create or maintain an internal conflict. I was moving that war zone inside of me. And this caused my immune system to weaken.
Luckily enough, when I realized I had this belief, I was learning strategies to overcome the limitations in the „NLP course.” So it was a blessing for me to work on this one. I changed it for a philosophical saying: „life is life.” If you want to see a method to change your limiting beliefs, you may find it in an article on Psychology Today.
Ever since, there was no me against me, at least not for fighting. Once I took it out of my mind, I made small changes in my behaviors: more water and sleep, more nature, art, and more things I enjoy. That was enough to get me started.
This simple mind change transformed a „me against enemies” into „me partnering with people” and, more important, „me partnering with me.” I became more open and curious to understand other people’s worldviews.
And that helps me take life just as life, and enjoy all its small moments, as I might never have the chance to live again. I am grateful for who I became, what I have, and all the people I get to know and interact with. And these last months of 2020 have confirmed that I should not take it all for granted.
I will leave you with words from one meditation that wake me up some mornings and remind me to smile at this life I have.
It is called „A Good Day” and belongs to Brother David Steindl-Rast.
„Look at the sky! We so rarely look at the sky. We rarely note how different it is from moment to moment, with its clouds coming and going. We just think of the weather… as good weather or bad weather. This day, right now, has unique weather, maybe a kind that will never exactly in that form come again. The formation of clouds in the sky will never be again as it is right now. Open your eyes; look at that!…„
Stay safe!
M.
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