The story today is about choices and intention. I am working to increase my awareness and conscious living. So, inevitably, I started to pay more attention to what was happening within and around myself.

The quarantine period promises one good thing. To allow and facilitate more frequent and qualitative connection to self. It can be the most enjoyable experience of the bond between mind, body, and spirit. Still, it can also become scary for those not used to going there often or those who avoid it, preferring to keep themselves busy.

Self-immersion in my past

I got to look into the darkest corners of my soul and mind, entire of dust and spiderweb. I got to recognize, in moments of terrible honesty to myself, that some parts of me are still wounded and bleeding, still full of hate and anger, insurgence and denial, non-acceptance and repudiation. Admitting it is a gesture of bravery. Cleaning those corners is frightening and painful, but the relief is so deep. While curiously searching through these ancient artifacts of my being, I entered deep enough to uncover and awaken dormant monsters and their terrifying stories and learn to train them.

Did I like all I saw? No.

All I could think of was how to run away faster in that creepy silence. I was selling myself strategies for distraction with excellent reasons why I should stop; my body was trying to make me run by activating different physical needs like thirst or hunger. But I started from the beginning, intending to see what I find. And I remained.

I roamed through my memories and faced me that appeared just as ghosts do, as mist in the dark, and I just froze and stared. A potent force immobilized my thoughts. My eyes memorized every detail, yet I could not see those back then or did not want to accept them.

I doubted myself many times during the process, more than I ever did in my life before. Because facing my shadows is not something I do every day, but it is so relieving and so empowering.

I sometimes felt that I don’t know who I am anymore. These parts of me forcefully appeared in different forms and shapes, from books to movie characters I either liked or hated, that scared me or showed me how I used to be, how I wanted to be, or not to be. The messages received while meditating guided me; the choices and decisions I made these days that I haven’t thought of so far or postponed for ages reshape my path, and the messages I receive or read are meant to help me decide which way to go. The people I talk to and the topics we discuss are just what I need…

„I am not what happened to me, but what I choose to become.”

Jung

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

The truth is they were always there. I just never noticed before how many answers were coming my way. When I asked myself repeatedly where am I going, the message I got in reading was from Jung: „I am not what happened to me, but what I choose to become.” And what I constantly do is that’s me, and I choose to become me with every significant decision I take and every single small choice. I shape myself in every moment. Intention and vision are the two things that matter most.

For me, it was silence, and I listened. Finally, I found what I was looking for. I let myself be washed by all I have ever been, forgiving and accepting that what I learned in all my experiences, memories, choices, and beliefs got me here. But standing that patched, wearing those scars with pride and beauty, being that truthful to myself, I uncovered a treasure, a wellspring of power and kindness.

I now know to put the right energy into my intentions. How I use the power that springs from within will write my story. And I intend if anyone will ever write a story about me, to be a good one, in which whatever I did, I made it matter!

What would you find if you connected to your past?

M.