This story has a peculiar start. I guess is no secret that I am an admirer of the main character of the TV series “The Originals”, Klaus Mikaelson. In few words, a vampire and villain who finally chose to sacrifice in the name of love for his daughter, and follow his “right” path to salvation, after ignoring a lifetime of redemption opportunities, resources and people anchors graviting around him.
It took me a while to realize that, what I loved most at this character were his sad eyes. They remained sad regardless he smiled or interpreted any other the feeling: anger, hate or joy. Amazing acting…
I liked those eyes because they remembered me of me, and were a perfect mirror of my own sad amber look.
Today’s story is about a sadness born together with me, a sadness that lived as a part of me ever since.
It was first shown to me one day that I wanted to be a connecting moment to my woman spirit through dance. For who does not know, I often wear a smile on my face. I do it for me, to tell my soul how much I enjoy life and to make my brain and thoughts to chill. I was wearing it also that day. Yet, I was told by a wonderful lady that no matter what smile I put on my face, my eyes betray a deeper sadness, that cannot be hidden, no matter how beautiful the smile is.
For many years I analyzed my eyes. I thought maybe it was their shape – Hugh Grant’s style :), that made them seem sad, or maybe their color, or probably both. As much as I wanted to look for the perfect explanation I could not go beyond color or shape.
In fact, I always knew that the sadness was there forever and was unbelievably true. I saw too those sad eyes every single day of my life.
When seeing Klaus, I was ready to look into a perfect mirror. What I found was this part of my soul that tells me and yells at me to let it create, to tell or show everyone else what I know, who I am and what story I have created for myself. It does not listens to thoughts and for sure, in the chaos of advises and recommendations of what should or could do to temper that feeling, it cannot find any answer.
I resisted it for a long time. It all was a continuous fight. I allowed it to manifest for only few moments, when resisting was becoming too damaging for me. I cried it, and blame it for all that went wrong, I was angry and furious, I cursed it because it existed, I gave up on it or ceased to its force when being tired to fight.
Its roots are in a deep helplessness to see myself worth of creating, in a game of calibrating and weighting what is “enough” against all measurement systems, from a profound rejection of the creative part of myself that was not following social standards nor my own’s “had” or “must” do. And overthinking the inadequacy feeling that overwhelmed me for years, I was roaming to many realms and worlds, searching and looking for something that was so obvious in my own eyes.
And this part of me witnessed my stormy inner conflict being calm, forceful, determined and patient, accompanying me and being there for me everyday of my life. Not all the tears I cried, or all the pain I let flow through my body or soul, leaving or not scars, could ever wash or remove the veil of denial, and blindness that covered me for so long.
But now, when people tell me that there is something about me, that I have a special glow or anything like that, I know it springs from there.
I write this as a letter to the wind to whisper colored seeded thoughts to all the sad eyes of this world and encourage them to open the door to their souls and see what is on their other side waiting to be unfolded. The wind will murmur them all to: “give the permission to express your soul’s form of manifestation: painting, music, sculpture, dance, sport, acting, prayer, meditation, mind or body work, personal development, words, poetry or whatever other way your spirit feels to reveal itself. “
I have faith you will succeed! Art in any of its forms, never fails!
“And even if no one else believes, maybe not even you, just remember that out there, at the end of this world there is one foolish believer in humanity and humans in light and love and she believes that you and your spirit will triumph. And this may not mean much, but could feel just enough for you to begin. Allowing the discovery or re-shape of your inner diamond, is the highest prove of pure self love and the most precious gift you can release to yourself and to this world. And you may want to choose to believe a foolish girl when saying that no matter what you keep hidden, is no darker or grayer than the despair and helplessness feeling this sadness contains you now. And if at any point it feels too scary or too hard to do it alone, look for anchors, resources and people to assist you. They are out there waiting to be called. It will be the most epic quest you’ve been part of and will bring you the time of your life.”
So, dear wind, please whisper that!